be thou my vision is my favorite song. especially when i play it, no offense to anyone else.

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee, Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle-shield, sword for my fight,
Be Thou my dignity, Thou my delight.
Thou my soul's shelter, Thou my high tower.
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise,
Thou mine inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of heaven, my victory won,
May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heav'ns Son!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my vision, O ruler of all.

God... he is.
he is everything i'll ever need.
and in the end of it all, may i reach heaven's joys and see this vision face to face.

what do you do with life when you feel like you're floating through it?

not making any concrete connections.

not knowing what's going to happen.

not knowing where you're going.

not knowing where the wind might blow you.

panorama

do you ever feel like you're at a place where the future looks so wide, so full of possibilities?

like you're standing on a mountain, at a beautiful lookout point, and you can see forever?

or you're in the middle of the prairie, and it goes on until the world ends?

you could go in any direction.
you could become anything.
you could follow any dream.
anything would be good...
just pick something!

that's where i'm at. not necessarily this mountain-top experience, not really what i meant. just that when i look at the future, it seems limitless. it seems like i could go in so many directions, each so different from each other, but each unique and beautiful in its own way. each fulfilling a purpose. each using a myriad of desires, dreams and talents. while i've felt so open and free and carefree for a while, it's starting to hit that i really need to do something.

that hit when my mom not-so-subtly asked if i was going to find a job after college. i talk about travelling, but that costs money... which i don't have so much of these days. so, what next?

my least favorite question these days, especially from older, more responsible and wiser people who look at a girl like me, and think that i'm irresponsible, young and silly for not having a plan. fortunately i've only heard the condescension once or twice :) but after talking to a very valuable friend, i've learned what i need to do.

trust.

do i know what trust means? i dont' think entirely. well, it's in my head. my life doesn't get it, that's all. not in the i'm-letting-go-of-my-control-on-my-life sense, or the God-knows-better-than-me sense. not really. not in actuality. in actuality, i'm looking for a plan because i want the security of a plan. i want to know that i'm not going to fall on my butt and that i won't get hurt trying something new. i want to know that i don't have to step out of my comfort zone and that i don't have to believe that God will tell me things in his time. so really, faith. faith that God knows. i don't. and that he'll tell me when it's right.

simple... it sounds like it. but when it really comes down to doing it, not so much.

psalm 131.
1 My heart is not proud, O LORD,
my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.

2 But I have stilled and quieted my soul;
like a weaned child with its mother,
like a weaned child is my soul within me.

3 O Israel, put your hope in the LORD
both now and forevermore.

now, i'm not sure that i quite understand the first part. do i need to do that first?

letting go of everything that is of great importance.

quieting myself before the LORD God Almighty.

last night we meditated on verse two, and really i thought about what it is to be a weaned child with its mother. resting in her arms, falling asleep, trusting. trusting that nothing bad will happen, only the best. knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that this warm, safe place is the only place for me. knowing that in a parent's arms, nothing can touch me. in my father's arms, the devil cannot touch me.

which brings me to my next topic. rest. that sounds good.

how do you find rest when you're eternally busy? when you eternally have things to do, assignments to finish, drawings to do, music to play, friends to talk to, a boyfriend to snuggle with? how do you let go of everything that seems important to rest with the Creator of the universe? can i rest while doing those things? maybe i just need time like this to sit, and think a while. like that statue of the guy sitting, with his fist in his chin, thinking.

a beautiful season.

can you picture, for a moment, a young girl. she’s dressed in a simple cotton white dress, that blows gently in a breeze like a soft cloud. she’s twirling, spinning, giggling amongst a million colors and shapes and sizes of wildflowers. sun shining, bright blue sky, horizon spreading out forever.

not a care in the world. just enjoying the beauty of her creator's gift.

so, i had a thought today.
i woke up this morning and ate a huge bowl of cheerios. about 5 minutes later, mom said, "hey, do you want to go for a run with me?" without hesitation i said, "yeah ok... i guess it's about time". my goodness - if i had gone by myself i think i would have stopped after about 100 m because i was tired already. but i kept going, mostly because i didn't want to be shown up by my mother too much. but after i stopped and she kept going, i started thinking about how similar this was to my weekend.
i had a really good time with one of my best friends this weekend - we laughed, talked and prayed together... she even cried on my shoulder. but we did it together. she said, "hey andrea, do you want to pray with me?", to which my response was similar to "yeah ok... i guess it's about time".
it's amazing to me how much farther we can travel, learn, and even think when there's someone beside us who's been there, who has done the training, and is encouraging you along. they know that you're limited because you haven't done this in a long time, but they're willing to go a bit slower so you can come along too. they're leading by example, and you can tell that they've done the work to get to where they are. you can see in them the fitness that they've attained, and even without them saying anything about it, it gives you incentive to finish the goal. to work harder. to get to where they are. i think that's why testimony is so powerful. it speaks to your own life without meaning to - you get to put the pieces together yourself instead of someone else doing it for you.
and those cheerios - man, i was regretting eating them really soon into our jog. it's not that they're bad for me, but for what i was doing, they were the wrong thing to put into my system. so as i look to eat healthy, shouldn't i be looking to feed my mind with healthy things? there are so many shows on tv, songs on the radio, magazines on the stand that aren't outrightly BAD for me... but for what i'm doing, they're not really helping me; they might just be holding me back.

castles in the sand

so lately i've been hearing a lot about plans.

plans about love.
the first time he said, "i love you"...
the time he said, "will you marry me?"...
the time she said, "we're pregnant"...
the time she said, "what should we do for our 25th anniversary?"...

plans about jobs.
the time he decided which path to follow.
the time she discovered how much she loved her work.
the time he realized his work had become a part of his identity, and probably couldn't ever let it go.

plans about the future.
the time she got her first student loan.
the time they bought a house.
the time they bought life insurance.

now, i'm feeling a little left out.
my plans aren't really set... and it's a little nerve-wracking.
i don't really know what i'm going to do with my life.
i have no idea where i'll be in a year.
i don't know where my life is going.
i am pretty sure that i'll graduate in may at least...

a really wise woman told me a few days ago:
follow God with all your heart right now... and when it's right, He'll show you the rest.
at least, that's my paraphrase.

i was talking to my grandma, and she was telling me about what happened a little while ago at one of my grandpa's worksites. they've been building a really big barn for quite some time, and one day, a big gust of wind swept up.
it leveled the barn like it was a pile of toothpicks.
not too long after, another barn they had finished fell down too.
this really showed me that we can make all the plans in the world... but just when we think it's in our hands, God shows us that it's not. He's still in control...

11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. (Jeremiah 29)

the plans HE has... not me.

nameste!
well friends, my trip is coming to a close.
i leave in three days! this is crazy!
i've seen so much, thought so much, learned SO MUCH... and i'm still looking for more.
the longer i'm here, the more i want to travel and see more.
the more i learn at the hospital, the more i want to finish this dream of becoming a doctor and work in a third world country.
the more i read my bible and pray, the more i want to know and experience...
there's so much to say, and i don't know how i can say it all, but here goes.
this week i learned a lot about humility.
this volunteer experience has been difficult for me, mostly because i don't feel like i'm volunteering. i feel like i'm only taking from people - taking knowledge and time and friendship, and the only thing i can give back is a smile and questions. i've been encouraged by more than one person, then, to use my opportunities to talk to others about Christ. so i've been praying a lot, because the whole idea scares me a lot... and i realized something.
i could plan and think and write out what i want to say to people; beautiful, eloquent words that move them to believe in Jesus... or it could fail. i could give money to the beggars or buy them food and give them a kind smile on the street... and tomorrow, what would it change? i could give away all the money in the world...
and without God's work in it and through it, they are just dirty rags.
what's going through my mind is a casting crowns song... "it's amazing to know you don't need me".
it's also a very humbling thought!
here i am, sitting in nepal. i came to volunteer... i'm willing to talk to others about Jesus... i'm doing good things, right?! but honestly, i'm not the point of it all. God is... and while it takes me down a notch to think that i'm inconsequential compared to the bigger picture. i heard an analogy once that i really appreciated. all we can see is the back of the tapestry that God is weaving. it's knotted and the colors are crazy and it seems like complete chaos. nothing beautiful at all... just a mess. but when you can flip it over once it's finished... the masterpiece is breathtaking.
so isn't that the point of it all?
point to the maker who is weaving all of our stories into an amazing piece of artwork that amplifies anything we could ever say or do?
God is good.
ps... i'm hopefully going to church tomorrow. this should be awesome!
i can't wait to catch up with everyone... it seems like a lot of people have some awesome things to share :)
miss you all!